Frequently Asked Kulam
Questions your tita will definitely ask before approving the kandila budget.
Short answer: harmless, live na, and extremely unserious. Long answer: basahin mo below, bes.
Libre ba talaga? Saan ang catch?
Libre talaga. The Community plan gives you 3 kulams and 1 Maluk a day, walang credit card. The only “catch”: four premium hexes, like Reunion Interrogation and Crush Views Your Story, are Pro-only, and Pro is still stuck in tita council review. Create a free account →
Malalaman ba nila na ako ’yon?
Ikaw bahala. Sign it with your first name for maximum petty energy, or go anonymous and it’s signed “🕵️ A mysterious marites.” Your name only shows up if you choose to sign it. Hindi kami marites. Kahit kami talaga ang marites.
Ano ba talaga ang matatanggap nila?
One email: an official Kulam Notice (or Maluk Certificate) with the service, your reason, the effect window, and a kontra/antidote, plus a link to their certificate page. Ayun lang. No hacking, no malware, no actual magic. Very screenshot-able, though. See the sample ↑
Baka ma-spam naman si target?
Covered. Each person can receive at most 2 a day and 5 a week from all Ermais users combined, and every email has a one-click unsubscribe. There’s also a ganti limit, so two people can’t hex each other forever. One round each, quits na kayo.
Do you accept kulam requests for corrupt politicians?
Most requested feature namin ’to, promise. Sadly, the queue hit 110 million tickets in one afternoon and the server cried. We did allocate a budget for it once, pero napunta raw sa isang “flood control project” — 100% paid, 0% delivered, walang kandilang dumating. For now, we offer Resibo Mode: their office printer can only print receipts. Every. Single. Page.
How is your success rate so high?
We only sell things the universe was going to do anyway. Our job is timing, invoicing, and taking full credit. Business model ng mga horoscope, pero with an SLA.
Was that my hex, or just Monday?
Legally, both. Spiritually, us. Every hex comes with a receipt timestamped right after the incident, so no one can ever prove otherwise. Kung umulan, kami ’yon. Kung traffic, kami rin ’yon. Kung Friday, you’re welcome.
May retry mechanism and idempotency ba? Gusto ko successful, pero once lang.
Senior dev ka pala, bes. Every hex gets an idempotency key (target email + SHA-256 of your sama ng loob), so rage-tapping “Submit” five times still delivers one upside-down USB. Failed deliveries retry with exponential backoff: 1 min, 2 min, 4 min, then “tama na, anak.” Exactly-once delivery is enforced by the tita council, who have remembered who got what since 1987.
Do you have a monthly subscription? Mas tipid ba pag bultuhan?
Yes, the Pro plan is basically a kulam subscription: 10 active hexes a month. Bulk discounts are coming, pero honestly, if you need more than 10 a month, baka circle mo na ang problema. We’re also launching a Suki Card — every 10th kulam comes with a free Maluk para hindi ka masyadong ma-bad karma.
Masama bang ipakulam ang boss?
Masama? Hindi naman. Risky? Very. Our recommended package is Meeting Mic Amnesia during the Monday all-hands — enough to feel seen, not enough to affect your 13th month. Pro tip: bundle it with a Maluk so their mood improves and your leave request finally gets approved. Win-win, as they say sa performance review.
If I leave a 1-star review, ikukulam niyo ba ako pabalik?
No. We’re a professional platform, not your ex. 1-star reviews go to our Feedback Queue, where the tita council reads them out loud during merienda and sighs dramatically. Worst-case consequence: we reply “Noted with thanks :)” — which, admittedly, is its own kind of kulam.
What if the target fights back with kontra-kulam? Babalik ba sa akin?
Possible, pero chill lang. Every hex is capped at “ay, kainis” level, so the worst bounce-back is your own USB going in upside down. Twice. We call it a reflection attack, because it literally makes you reflect. Pro plans include the Kontra-Kontra Firewall, which is just a printout that says “peace na tayo” taped to your monitor.
Wrong person got hit. May hotline ba? Refundable ba if hindi satisfied?
Yes. Call the Wrong-Juan Hotline, open 24/7 except during merienda, teleserye time, and Sunday lunch. The accidental target gets an apology Maluk (a complimentary Green Light Streak, on us) and you get a full refund. Not satisfied for other reasons — umaraw kahit walang payong, printer suddenly behaved? Refund pa rin, after a quick tita review and one very dramatic buntong-hininga.
Paano kung nasa abroad yung target?
Coming soon: KaaS Global, powered by our very reliable auntie network in Dubai, Toronto, Riyadh, and Daly City. Includes timezone handling and customs-friendly kandila. Fair warning: overseas hexes ship via balikbayan box, so expect delivery in 2–3 months, kasama na ang corned beef.
Is this real black magic?
Hindi po. It’s satire, vibes, and product design wearing a kulam costume. Zero actual spellcasting. The scariest thing here is our pricing committee.
Can I choose the exact inconvenience?
Within reason. “Rain right after they forget their payong” is fine. “Ruin their life” is not fine — OA ka, bes. We only ship tiny, funny, fully reversible annoyances.
What if I only know their nickname?
Please don’t submit “Jun-Jun from the GC.” Every family has at least three, plus one Bong na hindi mo sure kung pinsan mo talaga. Use email validation para walang wrong-Juan incident.
Do you support rush orders?
Eventually. Rush orders go through Express Merienda Review. If the tita council is eating pancit, your SLA may be spiritually delayed but emotionally valid.
Can I cancel a kulam request?
Yes. We believe in emotional growth. Nag-kape ka, kumalma ka, and realized na love mo pala siya? Hit cancel. Kandila paused, vibes archived, walang makakaalam.
Can my spell be intercepted?
No. Every harmless spell packet is encrypted, sealed with tita-grade side-eye, and routed through our “huwag mo akong subukan” layer. If intercepted, it self-destructs into chismis-resistant glitter.
Is there customer support?
24/7 Witch Support is planned. Current response time is “pag na-settle na ang kandila,” which is not ISO-certified but feels very accurate.
Can I send a kulam and a Maluk at the same time?
Yes, it’s called a “quits na tayo” bundle. Their USB goes in upside down three times, then their crush views their story. Balanced, as all things should be.
